Tag Archives: life

Sleep is for the Week

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while now, because I think I need to share things. A year ago I was in a swamp. I was depressed, tired and stressed out.  Right now I feel more energetic and driven than ever. I’m shedding weight (not gaining hair unfortunately). I want to share what happened, because writing is therapy… though not always is it easy.

Dreaming is a luxury,
Like stopping-staring and beauty sleep.
I’ll stop when I’m finished,
And sleep is for the weak.

Frank Turner, ‘Vital Signs’

Sleep…

At work I felt I was completely stuck. I didn’t have the energy for anything, couldn’t face any conflicts and genuinely was terribly unhappy in the place I was at. Years of conversations with people that had the best intentions for me didn’t seem to yield much and though I learned a lot I remained stuck. I decided to pursue a teachers degree. It seemed a good idea at the time and a way out of what I thought was a dead-end street, a proverbial rope to drag myself from the swamp.

I started having pain in my arms and after various consultations with the doctor, I received some braces for what must be Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Right, that seemed logical… I had overworked my hands in combination with stress and weight gain and that was probably the issue. I went to see a company doctor, I talked to a psychologist, the whole shebang. Some told me that it might be deeper, others told me to worry less. I decided that it must be the environment and that I needed something new. I was very wrong about what I thought was the problem.

I didn’t sleep… Well, not in the sense where you get a full nights rest. What I have is called obstructive sleep apnea, which basically means that I stop breathing in my sleep and then wake up slightly… sink back into sleep, stop breathing and wake up again…and so on. So what are some of the effects and causes for sleep apnea.

Apnea

Some of the effects of apnea that I experienced are the following:

  • Exhaustion
  • Problems with building up a condition
  • Pains and other random complains
  • Depression
  • Mood swings
  • Forgetfulness
  • Headaches
  • Anxieties
  • Weight gain

In the long run you can even get damage to your intestines, like your liver and heart because the body simply doesn’t get the rest it needs. There is an extensive list of causes and they’re not things you can easily ‘handle’.

So why didn’t anyone find this out years ago (I might have suffered from this for 15 years or more)? Because like most people around me, I thought snoring was simply that… snoring. I never connected it to anything health related. I wouldn’t have even found out if it wasn’t for the work-related stress, which combined with weight gain to make matters worse. The basic cause for my issue is genetic, which is unfortunate since I have quite a severe version of apnea.

A solution and a different self?

It’s weird, the thing that happens when you suddenly get a rush of energy. When you sleep through a whole night again and wake up refreshed and full of spirit. That’s what happened to me when I got a CPAP machine. The machine operates at night, with a face mask, and pushes air through my nose and keeps it open so I breathe. I breathe and sleep deep sleep. I’m now like a resting Darth Vader (better try to see the fun in things right?).

And then I started to work out again. Not like before, where I was dragging my weary body all the way to the gym. No, I train with energy and drive again. My muscles are sore the next day, not just tired. That was also a new experience, to feel physically well. So what next? I get to revisit pretty much every decision and feeling I had. My habits are in a clash with my mental state, which is hard and exhausting, but exhilerating at the same time. I don’t feel the need to keep people on an arm’s length, but my behaviour isn’t easily changed. I don’t want to think doom, but my mind is so used to that road. Changing is going to be a challenge, but as I get my rest I’m not worried.

So what the hell do I do with this info?

I have to live with a machine pumping air into my throat for the foreseeable future. If I travel, I need to specially contact the charter company to discuss this and sleeping in a tent is no longer a real option. I hope to get healthier and qualify for a brand new treatment later, but it’s all good. The feeling of being well I would not trade for anything in the world… I feel the energy to pursue my dreams now.

I want to write. I want to write professionally every day, because it is what I love. The shaping of text, the creation of content. That is the dream I pursue now. And I’m very grateful for the fact that I can do that with all my energy and heart.

If you recognize any of these symptoms, if you do snore, get it checked out. There’s a huge taboo on the whole snoring thing. It’s embarrassing and annoying to have to cope with that in itself. There’s a solution though and it has its downsides, but they are outweighed by the good. Get this checked out!

 

Better times are coming

‘Cause better times are coming
Better times ahead
No-one gets remembered, my deathless child
So don’t rest too long in bed.
– Frank Turner, ‘Peggy Sang The Blues’

It’s been a hard, long road, but in a few months I finally cut loose the strains of the past and embrace my new challenge. It’s going to be hard work, it’ll be scary and it probably won’t be easy. It still beats the dead-end-rut I found myself in about 2 years ago. In a job I didn’t want, with a future that terrified me and no idea what to do about it.

I spend this weekend in Bulgaria, visiting the city of Sofia and I had  a chance to speak to some absolute strangers. I saw a new country,  with nothing but my backpack full of clothes and books and my wits about me. It’s all I need to feel completely free for once again, to feel the strength within. Standing somewhere between the mountains, looking at the might of nature, I feel better than I’ve done for a long time.

I’m leaving the rat race, where insecurity is a drive for trying to dominate and outdo the other for a different challenge, a different path. I’ve not eaten meat in a week now and that feels so much better too. I’m not where I want to be yet, but atleast I know where I’m going and not going down with the ship of misery. Sometimes you just need to see the clouds and the trees again, to start believing in it once more.

There’s not that much that I need, there’s enough music in the world to sustaiin me and plenty of books I still need to read. I’ve woken up depressed, tired and desperate enough times now. Enough time spend thinking about life, time to live it.  Let’s see how far we can truly go.

I’ve got a plan and a brand new backpack. It’s about the journey. Isn’t it?

Photo by Justina Lukosiute

The next four years…

Can’t I just spend the next four years at a punk show?
I want to spend the next four years in the front row
Because if the world outside is going to shit
Then you will find me in the centre of the circle pit.

-Frank Turner ‘Sand in the Gears’

Yeah, I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with a world, in which people believe blatant lies of Trump, ridiculous plans bij Wilders and probably will vote for a Le Pen. A world so hung up on blaming the other for our own misfortunes that we forget that whole enlightened idea of being able to make our own future.

If you’ve sat still for 20 years of-fucking-course you get passed by, by someone who studies and grows. No one is steeling your job, you’re just not holding on to it. Oh yes, I believe firmly that the capitalist system that drives us, is slowly killing us and driving us to leaving life earlier. It also drives some to find solutions, to do things differently. From the tiny house movements, to backpackers and all sorts of free spirits. Sometimes I even find escape in books and by simply making my world as small as it is.

So why does this prospect make me feel so utterly sad? Because I believe that we’ve been making a lot of progress in the last couple of years. Gay marriage, environment politics and much more. Sure, there’s a lot of room for improvement, but we’re atleast going forward. Now the Bible is back as a rule book and that was never a good idea. Standing still is less bad than moving backwards, I think Billy Bragg once sang. I think we’re moving backwards into fear and stupidity.

But maybe this is the four years of shit we’re going to need. Maybe this will drive us back to the self sustained communities that are the backbone of the society as we know it. It’s easier to fear a horde of muslims without names and faces, than to fear your friendly neighbour. Fear mongering depends on the idea that people are masses, not individuals. If you accept that, you need also to accept that Trump is not a monster. He’s just a man who probably is a bit afraid and misinformed.

But what to do? I can’t spend four years in hibernation. And no, I don’t live in the United States, but the Dutch elections are due too and I think that regardles of all the proof that they’re a bunch of useless naysayers, there might be a big white, right win. What can I do in these next four years? How do I make sense of it and survive it?

Some guy at a concert in Area 51 explained to me what a Naysayer is. I kinda knew what it ment, but he fully explained it to me (right before running into a closed door, but that didn’t demean his point). Naysayers are people that will not and cannot help you progress. They will not solve, alleviate, improve or change anything. They just say ‘nay’.

So all you can really do… is say yes. Engage in conversation, take part in things, be out there! There’s a surprisingly small circle around you that you can make an impact on profoundly, by just being there. Embrace the people you care about and be open and kind to others. Don’t give in to the fear and hatred. Don’t use fists and hatespeech, use love and understanding. Compassion and that almost forgotten thing called discussion. Don’t wait for the change, be the change.

We make the world we live in, even in its small scale of close acquaintances. Say no to hatred, bigotry and other ridicuousness.

Be all that you can be, because as Frank Turner once said…

We are what we believe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2220MdXVPGw

I’m the Dovahkiin

Yes, after the crushing defeat in the Collosseum of PhD’s, I’ve been a bit lost. See, that was my excuse for not writing, I was busy. First with PhD-stuff, now with Skyrim.  Because I am the Dovahkiin, you know?

Sure, I like to pretend I’m a gamer a bit more than I actually game. In fact, the only game I seriously played in the last few years was NHL 2014 on the Xbox and maybe I can consider my weird ‘return’  to WoW an attempt at being a gamer too. It’s complicated…  I don’t actually own an Xbox, but my brother was kind enough to lend me his. After a while of just playing NHL to blow off some steam, I go to this point in life and shoved that Skyrim disc in the console.

I’m not really a person that hides in fantasy that much. I did so as a kid, but those are different times. I did have a major gap in my life after I didn’t get my life’s dream: A PhD position. It was a painful defeat, I had worked on that for years and now it feels like all is over. I’m at the age now, where people around me have kids and such. And me? I’ve just had a major reset to my programming… and all I can do is play Skyrim. So yeah, that’s happening.

Why do I like it so much? There’s a lot of purpose in that game, which is exactly what I suddenly miss. The hero of the game can easily make carreer choices and pursue them. I’m not sure if I’m in a therapeutic fase, where I’m figuring things out by playing a guy who chops away with a double handed claymore or maybe just running away.

I’ll let you know. If I happen to get out of Skyrim….

PS. No elder scrolls in the game at all… none.

Image: source

 

Don’t Be A Dick P.I: Your Friend Wil Wheaton’s Law

Your friend consistently counsels the same,
urging all dickishness struck from the game.

Your friend Wil
Your friend Wil declares
Your friend Wil declares: don’t be a dick

– MC Frontalot ‘Your Friend Wil’

Today I want to get serious with you about Leadership and Effectivenes. A tough topic, which has been elaborately described by many writers in amazing leadership books full of inspiration. I would like to touch upon a few of those to get to the core of what I want to say and then move on to something else that I think is the very simple core of the whole idea of personal leadership and in the end happy relations with all your surroundings, wether it’s work, family, social networks or just interpersonal relations.

7 Habits of a Better Leader, Better Life, but let’s start with why

I’ve picked three of my favorites for this post and mixed them up (see what I did there?). What they have in common is a set of tools to make your life better, by taking charge of your own life. Leadership is the core term that is used for most of these. The first in the title is the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. There’s a whole series of adaptations to different situations, but this is the main book and thye work that made this good man millions.

Source: Daily motivation (dailymotivation.com)

It takes 7 habits as the tools to use, which are divided over 3 categories: Independence, Interdependence and continuous improvements. The idea is, this is probably a quote from the book, that you first have to be independent to become interdependent.  To be independent, you have to focus on being proactive, having your end-goal in mind and putting first things first. This is a great way to go into any conversation and shape your own role in those. Interdependence has collaboration at the forefront: Think Win-Win, First understand and then be understoot and Synergize. It’s all aimed at getting chemistry going between participants in the interaction. Habit number 7 speaks for itself. There’s a lot of things connected to these values, but it all serves the goals of gaining control by starting with yourself and then moving on. That is also the good thing about Covey’s system: it allows you to take things in your own pace with your own steps.

Better Leader, Better Life is based on the book by Stew Friedman, who supposes various circles in which you are active and focusses a lot on experimenting with your life to find improvements. Friedman supposes a four step proces in which you involve all the domains of your life:

  1. Reflect
  2. Brainstorm possibilities
  3. Choose experiments
  4. Measure progress

I personally find this a very difficult way to take on life, since constant challenging is very hard to maintain and to keep working on all parts of life. Balance is impossible according to Friedman, but everything interacts. There’s definitely a lot of value to his work, but like that of Covey it is highly idealistic and very hard to follow. Failure is not a problem per se, but does get hard to deal with at some point.

Why Wheaton’s Law?

At the core of all ideas there’s values as ‘thinking win-win’, ‘being proactive’ or other good behaviour that will eventually lead to an effective and problem solving attitude. We are not all robots however, we don’t go in every day being capable of all those good deeds. Some days we need a bottom line of what we should strive for to just get through that day. That bottom line is equal to the point where you atleast don’t do any damage to the relationships and projects that you are part of. Wheaton’s Law offers a very simple, clear-cut bottom line for those:

Don’t be a dick

It’s very simple, you just make sure you are not unfriendly, you make sure no one leaves your presence saying “What a dick…”. The point here is just to not offend people and let them keep their game up and positive. Now, that would be the second reason why Wheaton’s Law should be implemented on your work floor. It has everything to do with games and their likeness to our interactions. So first let’s talk nerdy for a bit in the next session. I have to add that this is a continuous discovery for myself.

 

Ashley

This post is dedicated to Ashley, who assists Chris Guillebeau in his work. Chris Guillebeau wrote the book ‘The Happiness of Pursuit’, a nice play on ‘In Pursuit of Happyness’. A book that talks about setting big goals for yourself and then finding the joy in chasing those. A book I recommend to anyone who wants to give some direction to their lives. Really, the book is inspirational, funny and full of wisdom that you can use. Funny enough, when I told some people about the stories in there, the response was exactly like the people in the book said: They thought they were crazy.

Source: lifehack.org

Well I didn’t think so. I believe that things like visiting all countries in the world, cooking a dish from every country or taking a university course in one year instead of four is amazing. It shows dedication, passion and the right amount of crazy. I decided to write a message to Chris Guillebeau. He seemed to me like an approachable person who would like to hear positive responses to his book. I wrote an e-mail, saying how I felt inspired in this phase of my life, where I am trying to get things sorted and find my own purpose in life. I also wrote that I didn’t expect a reply, so that it was ok. I just wanted to share.

Big surprise, assistant Ashley M. wrote back to me. Now, I know that this is a person who doesn’t know me or my stupid problems, but the reply was kind and warm. About me not expecting a reply, she wrote: “Your statement about not sending messages because you don’t believe you’ll hear back? I totally relate to that. I used to believe that, too. But you’d be surprised what you’ll get back if you send it anyways. What have you got to lose? ” She also suggested I could try to write something myself for their website. I did, I hope they’ll post it because I believe it was a good piece.

I wrote a thank you e-mail to Ashley. Explaining I was going down this path of self-development and growth, how it wasn’t easy but messages like this give me that glimmer of hope. I got back another friendly e-mail: “It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction and I have no doubt that good things are in your near future. Life is so full of possibilities! You never know what amazing thing is going to come your way tomorrow. Keep the faith, Guido!” All Ashley really did was doing her job, but also being friendly and encouraging. It’s such an amazingly small gesture. It can mean so much.

Now, why am I writing a blogpost about this? Well, because Ashley, who doesn’t know me, was kind enough to look at my message in a positive way. I couldn’t do that for a long time and still struggle to look at myself and others in a positive way. The fact that someone across the ocean took a moment to send this kindness my way, is well inspirational and cool. For some reason I feel a bit stronger now. Better things are coming my way, as long as I keep working and believing.

Thanks Ashley. Sometimes something so little can mean so much to someone. I’ll start trying to do this more often. Do little nice things for others, just because it should be done more.

I also learned that if you want, you can reach out and get in touch with those you admire. I got replies from Karl Spracklen (metal scientist dude) and from Frank Turner (my favorite punkrock bard) in the past. Just be determined (and follow the link)

 

Source: mactoons