This post is dedicated to Ashley, who assists Chris Guillebeau in his work. Chris Guillebeau wrote the book ‘The Happiness of Pursuit’, a nice play on ‘In Pursuit of Happyness’. A book that talks about setting big goals for yourself and then finding the joy in chasing those. A book I recommend to anyone who wants to give some direction to their lives. Really, the book is inspirational, funny and full of wisdom that you can use. Funny enough, when I told some people about the stories in there, the response was exactly like the people in the book said: They thought they were crazy.
Source: lifehack.org
Well I didn’t think so. I believe that things like visiting all countries in the world, cooking a dish from every country or taking a university course in one year instead of four is amazing. It shows dedication, passion and the right amount of crazy. I decided to write a message to Chris Guillebeau. He seemed to me like an approachable person who would like to hear positive responses to his book. I wrote an e-mail, saying how I felt inspired in this phase of my life, where I am trying to get things sorted and find my own purpose in life. I also wrote that I didn’t expect a reply, so that it was ok. I just wanted to share.
Big surprise, assistant Ashley M. wrote back to me. Now, I know that this is a person who doesn’t know me or my stupid problems, but the reply was kind and warm. About me not expecting a reply, she wrote: “Your statement about not sending messages because you don’t believe you’ll hear back? I totally relate to that. I used to believe that, too. But you’d be surprised what you’ll get back if you send it anyways. What have you got to lose? ” She also suggested I could try to write something myself for their website. I did, I hope they’ll post it because I believe it was a good piece.
I wrote a thank you e-mail to Ashley. Explaining I was going down this path of self-development and growth, how it wasn’t easy but messages like this give me that glimmer of hope. I got back another friendly e-mail: “It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction and I have no doubt that good things are in your near future. Life is so full of possibilities! You never know what amazing thing is going to come your way tomorrow. Keep the faith, Guido!” All Ashley really did was doing her job, but also being friendly and encouraging. It’s such an amazingly small gesture. It can mean so much.
Now, why am I writing a blogpost about this? Well, because Ashley, who doesn’t know me, was kind enough to look at my message in a positive way. I couldn’t do that for a long time and still struggle to look at myself and others in a positive way. The fact that someone across the ocean took a moment to send this kindness my way, is well inspirational and cool. For some reason I feel a bit stronger now. Better things are coming my way, as long as I keep working and believing.
Thanks Ashley. Sometimes something so little can mean so much to someone. I’ll start trying to do this more often. Do little nice things for others, just because it should be done more.
I also learned that if you want, you can reach out and get in touch with those you admire. I got replies from Karl Spracklen (metal scientist dude) and from Frank Turner (my favorite punkrock bard) in the past. Just be determined (and follow the link)
Now you’re gone
I realize my love for you was strong
And I miss you here,
Now you’re gone
I keep waiting here by the phone
With your pictures hanging on the wall
– Basshunter, ‘Now You’re Gone’
Yes, it’s the first night in a long time when I’m alone again. An excersise for what might be the future if everything goes as planned. My girl is in Brussels for an internship and I hope fully that she’ll get it. Still it is a bit frightening, to be alone with Lenny the cat. It is the warmth next to me in the bed, the little things I notice when I get home, the pack of coffee milk that should have been put back into the fridge…. Those are the things I miss now.
It’s only for three days now, for a training that may get her an internship. Maybe she’ll come home on friday and nothing will happen. If she gets it, what would be awesome, she’ll be moving to Brussels for atleast the weekdays and for a year. Now, there is one way out of my canundrum. That would be a job in Brussels, moving there and living our life there from now on. I wouldn’t mind I think.
Source: Quoteswave
I’m so proud she got there. I will try to not let my fears get in the way of that. We’ll be fine, change is always a great thing because it shakes up the status quo you’ve started growing accustomed to. If they actually come, I’ll be sure to post about it when this becomes an option.
Probably with a better bit of lyrics. I do actually like Basshunter, sorry, guilty pleasure.
My eyes seek reality
My fingers feel for faith
Touch clean with a dirty hand
I touched the clean to the waste
– Metallica, ‘Low Mans Lyric’
Depression can be crippling sometimes. It makes me end up staring at walls, not even screaming at them, just staring at them. I’ve started reading a lot lately, currently enjoying the great book ‘The Happiness of Pursuit’, by Chris Guillebeau, which has given me a lot of good thoughts. The book deals with finding goals, finding things that really matter to you and then pursuing them. I like that idea a lot, it sounds so powerfull, so invigorating.
Source: Wazafied.blogspot.nl
In the meantime I’m stuck where I’m at and not seeing where to go. I’ve received the results of my personality test and they were not too pretty either. I pretty much am stuck between ‘oppositional’ and ‘avoiding’. Probably I’ve changed bits of that, but I’m not sure where the whole change is going if I don’t find a purpose that I want to follow. I have the accepted research proposal for Helvete magazine (scientific mag about metal), which I should embrace. It’s only a little thing, but it would be a great step for me as a person and affirm my capacities. I don’t seem to be the fast thinger, so I’m also reading a book on that.
I noticed that I’ve been getting reclusive, to the point of me almost hiding from colleagues and friends. I’m even hiding at home from my cat and my girlfriend. When I’m asked what’s wrong, I have to answer truthfully: “I honestly wish I knew…” That’s the worst about it, there’s no puzzle to fix or quest to complete to get through this. I hope the Incubate weekend will bring me a bit more energy and happiness. I’ve started feeling sick today, also not good. Let’s hope it passes soon. It’s hard to describe the feeling of that depression. It’s like a clowd is at the edges of my vision, also pressing down on my brow, making me frown deeply. There’s a general unwill to speak, I’d rather whisper or not talk at all actually. Everything looks black, there’s a powerless feeling in my body and mind. It’s truly grey days I experience. Anyone recognizes that?
I have the desire to do something with my life and on the other hand I want security. I want to make sure I can pay the bills and I can take care of my little family here. I also want to do stuff, go beyond what I’ve done this far. I feel powerless when it comes to that. What can I do? What is it that I really enjoy? I love working with people, it is my only true source of energy. Perhpaps there is my hook, so to say, to find something. I also love writing. I enjoy penning down stupid crap for hypothetical readers on my blog.
Today I got a call from a TV show about my tattoo piece on The Post Online. I have to say, I didn’t read any comments, because they can really unnerve me. Same goes for facebook discussions, I avoid them. No reason to get angry all the time. It was a good chat on the phone, I had answers to the questions and I think I was interesting. We’ll see, it could really help my carreer. I also was turned down for a copy writer job and as the writer for Roadburn today and for some reason that weighs a hundred times more on my conscience.
Glimmers of hope, they’re totally there. A good weekend of music and then again to gym and such, it’ll do me good. This book too, it’s really great. Maybe I’m just overly tired. I’ll just get a good nights rest. Thanks for sticking with me.
This ones for the mighty sea
Mischief, gold and piracy
This ones for the man that raised me
Taught me sacrifice and bravery
This ones for our favorite game
Black and gold, we wave the flag
This ones for my family name
With pride I wear it to the grave
– Dropkick Murphy’s ‘Rose Tattoo’
I like tattoos. I think I always have, from tribals when they became popular to extravagant Japanese stuff, videogame tats or oldschool ink. I like all of it. Ok, that’s not entirely true, but the point is that I like tattoos. It took me forever to get one, I didn’t get a sleeve when I was 18 or something. I got the first one when I was 26, so I took my sweet time to get to it. In this post (maybe I’ll split it up into two) I would like to tell you about the tattoo’s I got and what made me decide to get them. Not because I believe I know best, but because some of you might be thinking about getting some.
Perhaps my story might help you, or simply entertain you. Either is fine by me. I’m not a specialist, I don’t know everything about tattoos. Well, maybe just a little bit, so please don’t take me for one. I’m just sharing my stories.
One
The first one I got, you can see on the picture here. Yes, it’s a symbol from Doctor Who, my beloved scifi series. I wanted to get one for a few years but then you have to decide. I came up with tons of ideas before coming to this one. When I did, I was sure instantly about the design. So why this one?
I was always fascinated by time. It mattered to me a lot. My grandpa was a clockmaker and after he passed away we were left with a room full of clocks. My dad took those tools and fidgeted with it for a bit too I think. The concept of time was the first thing I ever wrote a poem about. Yes, I’ve written some poetry in my day. Doctor Who tapped into those memories and passions and this symbol united various ancient ones in one. I didn’t want anything from an established religion so that was also covered.
I took my nervous body, that was going to be submitted to these needly cruelties of tattoo artists, to Dragon Tattoo in Eindhoven. The renowned shop was for me the only entrance point of a shop that delivered quality. I guess I was prepaired to pay the full price for whatever I would get. I made an appointment and went back on this particular date. I remember it pretty well, because I also had an intake for Air Traffic conductor in Amsterdam that morning. I didn’t become an Air Traffic conductor, as most people probably know. I was too creative? I still have the ink though.
One hour it took and very little pain and there I was, I got my first tattoo. I could still walk, my skin wasn’t coming of or anything. The artist doing the work was Jimmy Orie, who is very experienced with tribal shapes, which I guess this fits in with. Though Dragon Tattoo is a very busy place, he managed to make it feel calm and nice. I didn’t feel rushed or crowded in any way. There was plenty of explanation to make me feel at ease with it. I’m happy with the choice for this shop, specially considering it was the first.
Two
Many people get one tattoo, they’re content with that and they are not too keen on more suffering. They simply don’t consider it worth it. I felt slightly different, I wanted more immediately. It took me a year though, in which I went back to school, met a girl and so on and on. It was time for ink. I chose a quote from Immanuel Kant that had always haunted me before and found a specific typing that I liked. It was as if a broken typewriter was it’s source.
To me the text mattered most, because it represents fundamental ideas I hold dear concerning ones own moral grounds. “The starry heaven above me and the moral law within me.” The awe and wonder they fill us with, they are something we must preserve. Our moral grounds and our amazement at the world, filling us with the need to explore and discover.
For this one I drove to Schijndel, twice since the first time they had a holiday, to the Old Sailor Tattoo shop. The friendly owner put this on me in less than an hour. Though I heard this is a painful spot, it wasn’t as hefty to me. It varies per person obviously. It felt safe and alright in their quiet shop, so I did make a second appointment. I’ll save that for a next time.
The thought behind this tattoo was again quite personal, though I believe the words speak to everyone. The idea for me is to stand behind what I believe is right and what I should do in my life. Also to look at the world as an amazing place, wether that is dark or light, it’s full of beauty and adventure. Do you need such thoughts before you get something tattoo’d? I don’t think so. It’s good to think things through obviously. You don’t want to be a guy ending up dating girls with the same name all the time because you were stupid once. Tattoo removal does exist, but is an expensive and time consuming thing. Make sure you feel right about getting it and where you are getting it. There’s always another shop.
Now you’re so ashamed, now I’m so ashamed of you.
We believe the same things. You stand to the side.
– Gorilla Biscuits ‘New Direction’
Today I want to write about a skill or visual representation that spurs action instead of opinion. I’ve always had an issue with judgements and I tended to actually have a lot of judgements. Now, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a judgement of another person, since that’s what I’m talking about, helps you to anticipate and premeditate your actions and attitutde towards that person. That helps you in a way if you are only being reactive. If you want to be pro-active, it becomes a whole different ball games.
When we judge others, we do it by right and wrong. We do it so strongly that we might end up polarizing people into right and wrong. In a conflict I had I started doing that with a person. This person had somehow touched those triggers that are opposed to my values and ideas, perhaps inherently my personality. That person for a brief period became a demon for me, pure evil, because I judged by wrong and right.
Now, we can never really escape the right wrong axis, but letting go of it and moving on to the active stage is the trick. We can move there by asking ourselves: What is missing? When we have the answer to that, we can ask: What is needed? And this way pro-actively solve issues, problems and conflicts in a way that actually helps. This is a brilliant theroy and well set axis. The problem is the letting go of the judgement you have in your head. Now, the measure in which we do this varies between people. I’ve had it very strongly for a long time. I’ve started developing some small techniques to help me deal with it lately that I would like to share.
1. Depersonalise your oponent
it sounds really cliché, but try to see the person you are having the confrontation with as an empty form, a tabular rasa that you have to work with to get something done. Let go of the person you feel you’re facing and your judgements about that person, because they inhibit you in having an open mind towards this other. You are making all sorts of assumptions about this conversation that will in the end only hamper finding the solution.
2. Put first things first: your goal
Straight out of the 7 Habits, I know, but so crucial to what you want to do. Rethink the purpose that was behind this conflict, what was your actual goal and focus on that. The person or group of persons (let us not forge that option) is only a tool in reaching that goal, utilize it instead of beating your head against it. Do you not have a goal? Go on to step 7.
3. Think Win-Win
Another one from the same source, but also very true. Approach your problem in a win-win way, look for a common win and that way make it so much more easy to solve it by suggesting another way that serves both. It’s the easiest way to convince someone else. Is there no win-win situation imaginable? In that case, really continue to step 7.
4. Put your emotions aside
Try to find that switch in your head that allows you to stop being all emotional about the topic, try to find your cold, business reason and you will get to the core of the thing. This simple act may, when you manage to pull it off, tell you if you need to take action or not. Is it really not such a big deal? Then continue to step 7.
5. Figure out if it actually has anything to do with you
Some people, like myself, have this natural feeling that they should defend others and stand up for the voiceless. That may be right in some occasions, but hardly in all of them. Decide if you are really taking on this fight. Think hard if you really are touched by this in any way and if there’s any reason why you should get involved. If the answer is no, which is pretty often is if it doesn’t actually have anything to do with you or your job, then just go to step .
6. Take the other perspective.
Some things are really two sided, you might be stuck in your side of things. Try to take another perspective, willingly look for that other side of things. It’s really hard at first, but it opens a door to tolerance and open mindedness.
7. Just drop it, let it go, breathe in and out and go on with your life
Some things are just not yours to be angry about. You shouldn’t worry about everything. That means letting go, dropping it and just stepping outside to get some fresh air. This is the ultimate step and very hard to take. If you need some help, go past the last 6 again. I think you’ll get here anyways,
I hope someone will find this useful, I do, though I still remain in my cycle sometimes, trapped in frustration. It gets better though, but it requires a lot of practise. Don’t forget that usually people want the same things and strive for the same goals. Frustration, secrecy, shame and strife will always block your efforts. You can not control what others do, but you can control how you deal with it.
The Fire in the Sky is Extinguished
Blue Waters no Longer Cry
The Dancing of Trees Has Stopped
The Stream of Freshness from Cold Winds
Exists no Longer
– Burzum ‘A Lost Forgotten Sad Spirit’
I’ve always found suicide a very difficult topic to discuss. For many people it seems te be very clear cut and life is the path you should take, always. It all becomes a bit muddled when we bring up euthanasia, people are not sure what to think about this topic. It feels wrong, but seems right and the other way around. I think its beautifull and noble, it’s the choice of saying that you’ve had enough of the cake that is life. Whatever follows is the decay, the ruin and the path towards the inevitable end. I think suicide is every man (and woman’s) right.
Now, two things I would like to say before I continue and people start asking me if I’m alright. I am, I’m fine and enjoying the fruits and challenges life offers me. There have been times when I didn’t like life that much, but I’m a ‘lifer’. Where there’s hope, there’s life for me and vice versa. This term has everything to do with my second point. I don’t think suicidal people are a homogenous group and I’m really talking about a specific form of motivation to find death instead of life. I’m talking about people who are born to live and born to die. It wasn’t a pleasant road to figure and accept that this exists, but I’ve come to accept some people will look for death. Those are not the suicides that look for a resolution, they are already resolved, at peace.
How did I get to discuss this topic? Well, I’ve been listening to black metal. I’ve always been fascinated by this genre and the extreme ideas that cling to it. When studying the genre intensely a year or two ago, I stumbled upon the works of The Shining with vocalist Niklas Kvarforth. Kvarforth used to cut himself open, to maim himself on stage. They were one of the main exponents of the genre Depressed Suicidal Black Metal. I can write you a whole explanation about it here, but this short interview explains a lot. I believe Kvarforth has now changed his ways, he is embracing life again, even doing some sort of stand-up comedy at Devilstone Fest in Lithuania last year.
Now, this genre was one bridge too far for me. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense because why would you do that? Why dwell on that line of suicide, of self harm and mutilation? There’s a fascination to it, a catharsis if you like, in listening to these bands. Sonically it’s usually dense, like a grim and dark forest. It confronts you with that darkness and you can embrace it for a moment, flirt with it. Not everyone just flirts with it though, there are people who embrace death like vocalist Dead of Mayhem. The guy was obsessed with the idea of being an actual corpse, so one day he shot his brain out and left a note: “Sorry for all the blood”. For me the click came when Selim Lemouchi ended his life. I believe that his suicide was a conscious choice, but addled by problems. So it’s not the actual act, but an older interview where he said, with total calm and resolve that he would take his life when he was done, when the creative process was over. It wasn’t taking a pose or bragging, it felt and sounded as real and regular as saying you’re going to have a drink or what you had for breakfast.
People told me to reread the interview I did, that it was already announced in that. I don’t believe that, I believe the man would eventually have killed himself, but after the creative process. When he had said the things he wanted to say. That calm made me realise that not everyone is made to live a life as most do. Some are born to die. They don’t feel sad or angry about it, they are already there in a way. We are not all made to live. History shows us suicide as a way out or an honorable way to deal with situations. Suicide is not a bad thing, it’s a choice for some that is made fully concsious and aware, without regret. That should be any persons right.
That being said, it’s not always this way. There are many causes for suicide that have little to do with a choice. Depression, substance abuse, mental imbalances or trauma are not choices, those are things that happen to you and that you might need a hand with. Those are the ones you can help, those are the ones who stand on bridges and next to railroads hoping for a resolution. They find it in death, but it’s not the resolution they wanted. They are the ones that could have been helped, most people are inevitably: Lifers. People that want to live and enjoy life.
There are others for whom suicide is not an impulse, nor caused by any of these things. There are those who just look forward to the day they die. Learning to accept that might make our lives a lot easier.
The car is on fire, and there’s no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we’re on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn
We’re trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death
– Godspeed You! Black Emperor ‘the Dead Flag Blues’
Source: 4cculminating.blogspot.nl
Sometimes I write things in one go, sometimes I write them in a few different states of mind. I wrote this bit when I was angry, scared and deeply touched and sad. I’m writing to make sense for myself. Please don’t take anything to harshly. What I wrote was inspired by some thoughts following the crash of MH17 and some older thoughts about why we fight. Not why you and I could have a fight, but how masses of people fight and kill for lofty goals that are nothing but hollow ideals.
Sometimes I get really scared. I don’t think anyone really notices, but I do. I am scared of some things that I have no control of at all. Mobs, groups, populations scare me and the way governments or opinion leaders can easily influence them. It seems like just an easy game to whip up anger, to place the blame and victimize another. The first thing that scared me was the mob mentality of social justice or whatever you call it when people take justice in our own hand. Our justice system might not be perfect, but what crime makes it right to mutilate another, to hound people, to tarnish their names forever and destroy their lives. Just and unjust victims of this mentality have been driven to suicide. Suicide, lets give that word a moment to sink in. Do you value your life? I do, I had times when I thought I didn’t, but I never contemplated suicide.
A man was burned alive because people were sure he was a pedophile. Another was hounded and threatened, because his name was the same as some guy suspected of animal abuse, a young boy of 15 can never live out his full potential, because he kicked a girl. Who in the name of Christ are we to judge others? He who is free of sin, cast the first stone, is it not? I have the fortune of misfortune of having gained inside in the private lives of many people and I have found little to none with a clean slate. We are all sinners. Some sins we think of as horrible and perhaps rightly so. It doesn’t give us right to be judge and excecutioner at the same time. Mob rules, another word is ochlocracy… the result is usually the tyranny of the majority.
Tyranny of one or all, it always has one thing in common: those who are different will suffer. I understand the wish for justice and also the idea that our system is not strict enough. Then the system should be changed to the current world, not just doing whatever you feel is right. There will be blood. Flight MH17 was that blood, it was blood of the innocent, but who’s innocent anyways? I sometimes think we just want to see the world bleed. Even the dead are part of this game of rallying the masses. Many Dutch people are ready to take up arms, we cry for justice, justice for that black hole that was shot into our society.
Blood
The way things look now, there will be blood. The insanity of the masses is the most murderous when it is placed under a banner, a flag, an ideal or a name like Russia, USA, Peace, Freedom or Liberty. As long as these still have to be pronounced there are no beacons of hope to speak of, they are the flags of the dead. Flags that represent allt he senseles killing that flows from the human race not being able to function as one, mainly because of an invented entity called money.
We all play the dead flag blues, all of us together. We are cavorting with hatred and flirting with genocide when we raise our banners, which we do because we think they are right, they represent the final resolution, the justice and solution to all our problems. I’m scared of that sense of righteousness found under these banners, scared of the exctasy of power of both Putin and the other leaders of the world. Putin scares me the most, because I cannot grasp the ‘why’. I sleep less easy when I see people are so easy to judge, to call for blood. Blood of the other, that enemy, that invisible alien that we must fight in the name of our dead flag.
Why do we fight for those ideals and do we let the media prod and push us like sheep to the slaughter. We refuse to think for ourselves, the Russian media is propaganda, so ours must be right isnt’t it? Our flag is that of truth and justice, the other a disease to weed out. I’ve quoted Lévy to often on this point, let it suffice to say that this is the road to ruin and bloodshed. There is no wrong and right, what matters is the solution. It doesn’t even matter anymore who shot the damn rocket. The issue at hand is that it was shot, innocent people died in a conflict that should never have escalated this far anyways. There is no evil to root out, the only goal that we should find is on a path to peace. We are all humans, the blood of us and that of the Russians and Ukranians runs the same red. We do not need to wade through rivers of that to find our holy grail.
Hope
I said, “Kiss me, you’re beautiful –
These are truly the last days”
– Same
A glimmer of hope was there today. I will share the video of the minister of foreign affairs speakin about the disaster in Ukraine. I would like to express my admiration for the man, who I’ve always thought of as one of the few actual passionate politicians in the Netherlands. When we are open to see the core of the issue at hand, we might find common ground. We might find another way.
He spoke about the people crashing down to the earth, looking eachother in the eye and giving comfort and support in those last moments. It takes all that to bring out that great good in people, that resignation in death. Only then we seem to see eachother for what we are. When I get in an airplane again in a month, I’ll be sitting next to a complete stranger. I’m going to say hi and see if we can get some chat going. We might as well be the ones that hold hands when we crash down. I pray I never have to face what the people on MH17 had to face, but even more so I pray I never forget what it means to be human and how you want to treat others as you are treated.
Sad & Proud
source: cage8.com
Today we had a day of national mourning. I’ve never experience this, most of the people I know haven’t. The 15 minutes, the time before and just after the minute of silence that followed at 16.00, the office seemed more quiet than it ever dit before. Even more than the times I worked the night shift. The bodies arrived in Eindhoven by airplane and were loaded into cars to be taken to a central point.
It’s funny how you can say that a number is ‘a lot’. When you see the coffins leaving the airplane in an endless stream, it becomes real. Every one of those was a person. Every man might be a father, a brother, a lover, husband and a son. Every woman a sister, girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter and a friend. They are not nameless numbers, they are human beings. It could have been anyone of us in a way.
The cars started rolling out, a long the road through the country. The sides of the road were packed with people. Thousands must have come out to pay their respects. I feel a bit annoyed by the stream of cameras, but we all do what we do in our own way. We try to understand and accept the sadness in front of us. Give it a place in our understanding, find reasons and peace with the endless cars filled with the dead passing by. It made me proud of this country and its people. Time stopped, everything stopped today. We all felt it, it was different.
A glimmer of hope can be found in that, in people supporting eachother, paying respects. No blame game, no hatred, just sympathy and love. A sad kind of love, but a form of love. At the end of everything it’s all that remains, all that matters. This was one of those days when the flag wasn’t something dead, it brought people together. That power it has as well.
I feel it’s only proper to go into the grim reality of things now and then. In the sky above Ukraine, an airplane was shot down by the separatists. In Israel, the Israeli army is bombing civilians in Gaza and the whole world knows what is wrong and right.
A friend from the Baltics said the me about the airplane disaster that it was finally an eye opener for Western-Europe about Russia, just that is was horrible that it took so much, so many… For months the eastern states have been on red alert, due to Russian expansion politics. No one took them serious and Russia was laughed at as a silly country. The worried people where laughed at too, as if Russia was going to do anything to us. They’re not though, Russia is a country full of people who only get to see and hear what the media allows and they only allow what Putins government wants. Russia may seem funny but it’s a cruel regime, where a human life is not the same in worth as we consider it over here.
That friend concluded that this was the eye opener for the west. The veil has fallen, but my friend mourned that it took so much. That this took so many lives of innocents to be clear. It’s a black page in the history books, with an introduction of the Ukrainian problem in grey. “Never again”, we said after WWII. Where the hell is this going then?
Then again, we know that the Russian media is propaganda, but never doubt the one you get from the west. Politics, interests and preference prevail in what you get to see on TV. Which brings me to Gaza in Israel. Remember how for years the Palestinians where the bad guys? Bombing civilians, killing children and women in the streets of the Israelian cities? That was what we saw, Isreal was the victim of Arab agression. It’s not like we didn’t know about the history of Israel back then, the media just didn’t mention it. Now the tables have turned once again, the media likes the sad Palestinians now.
So now Israel is the imperial state, bombing children and women in Gaza. Suddenly the Palestinians are victims again, while the death count rises on both sides. Why do we fall for this? Why do we simply float along with the opinions media shove down our throats? I see the elaborate facebook shares on how Israel is mean and cheering when people die. Do we instantly forget the cheers on the streets on 9/11? Do we forget the joy after the murder of Osama Bin Laden? As long as people kill and rejoice in it, we continue this cycle. If Palestinians cheer again for some DIY bomb killing school kids in Israel, will we switch sides again? Or is it going to be a good thing if its Israelian soldiers instead?
Soldiers who are drafted, just young guys who should be out having a drink with mates, listening to metal music and being their obnoxious, young selves. But we cheer when they die, we cheer when anyone dies that we happen to think of as the bad guy for the moment. The news has been Hollywoodized. We forget the corpses are human beings, with lives and interests that might be exactly like ours. Every death is a sin and a loss. Not a single gun fired or rocket launched is serving peace in any way. Enlightenment never seemed so far away.
Blazing fire under the moon
Burning taste of lead
We’ll ride forever
Cause’ the Iron is stronger than death
– Ensiferum ‘Iron’
Not the best opening quote, but traditions are sometimes not that convenient. Well, what is a tradition anyways. I’ve written a bit about my personal feelings about the gym and how I keep it up and what and why I go there. I have not spoken about ‘The Iron’ yet. That almost meditative bit of writing of Henry Rollins about the significance of going to the gym. I want to go into this for a bit, because physical excersise has both physical as well as mental effects on you as a person. I value them both, but the mental is why I’m so stubbornly going there.
Source: see picture
Yes, I would almost start writing about fit chicks. At some point your whole aesthetic starts to change and physical aspects you find appealing are those that are honed by workouts. True fact, but that’s not what this post is about.
The Iron is the best antidepressant I have ever found. There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength. Once the mind and body have been awakened to their true potential, it’s impossible to turn back. – Henry Rollins, ‘The Iron’ (source)
When you work mostly with your head, like I tend to do, there is nothing better than to have everything go away for a while. To listen to music or a book, while lifting weights, doing cardio and all sorts of excersise. Your body takes over and does it’s thing, anger, frustration and the daily troubles slide of your back. There is only you and the iron. Every bit of frustration you have, you can put into that excersise in a guided, controlled way. It will tell you what you can and cannot do and make you want to try harder. It’s one of the most honest things you’ll ever do.
When I started out I was always sceptical towards the so called ‘jocks’ with their ‘Gold’s Gym’ tank tops, tanned look and greased hair. I thought that this was fake and taking it too far. There must be some that use steroids instead of good food and that live on the supplement powders, but most are just really dedicated. It takes discipline and dedication to hang out in that gym 3, 4 or 5 times a week. It’s not for the week, because you have to give up other things. Sleep, downtime, going out, eating crap and just chillaxing have no part to play for those who take this path. Nowadays I get these gruding nods of recognition and approval of those guys, that’s cool. We’re all here for the iron and for our daily check. Whatever crap we get thrown at us during the day, these two hours are just us versus the steel weights and machines.
What is so nice about torturing yourself in the gym? I can’t tell you, there’s first drive to go and later the desire to go. You start going because you really want to. If you persevere, you start feeling a craving for it. Your body will start loving it, specially if you watch your food too. It will feel most satisfied when its beaten to pulp by excersise. When you crash down on your couch, with just enough time to watch one tv-show and read a few pages, you’ve done what most people can’t make themselves do. That in itself is a reward, the feeling your body gives only makes it better.
OH! The good ol’ Hockey game, is the best game you can name.
And the best game you can name, is the good ol’ Hockey game.
– Stompin’ Tom Connors – The Hockey Song
I’ve walked around with this feeling long enough, time to write it down and let go of it. As some may know of the readers who know me, I’ve been involved with the Eindhoven icehockey team for about five years now. I’m not playing, but first I started up the fansite together with a friend (who later took a much bigger role in that, to his merit making it the thing it became), and later I worked as a PR guy for the team. I’ve used my skills in Social Media and learned through playing with posting times, stats, virality with the facebook and twitter accounts, both having more than 1k natural followers now. My girlfriend made photo’s and my friends were also involved. We had a great time around the ice.
Maybe many people never noticed us or noticed who wrote stuff and all, I don’t know. I’m not out to redeem some glory. This season another club asked for a permit to play this season. This caused a lot of problems, since it’s a team from the same town and it’s kind of a problem for a minor sport to be supported on that scale. You’ll have to much fishing in the same pond going on, specially when there’s barely enough fish to substain one of the parties. The take-over didn’t have much to do with having heart for the game and promoting it, it’s been a clash of ego’s, one group just more blunter, short term thinking and selfish than the other. I’ve worked with that old group for a long time, definitely there’s some ego’s and some self esteem involved there, but also a lot of passion and at the bottom line of those characters was always the importance of the game. They quickly withdrew and gave way to this other group, just to let the things continue. Expertise and help was offered, in an indirect way also mine, but it was discared as useless. That hurt, I know my value nowadays and I know how much I can mean for an organization when they get me on their side. I’ve conquered a lot of fears there and also in my professional field this year. I’m worth something for sure, I don’t doubt myself on that front anymore.
Months of silence followed, strange communications and a lot of negativity from fans and also people involved with the club. The old gang remained respectfully silent, which I would not have been able to. Many times I wanted to post blunt facebook posts, expressing how hurt I was and that they took something from me I cared for deeply. What particularly hurt was being discarded on qualities I also displayed for the other group in trying to make them the website they wanted (which is frigging hard if the person giving the assignment wants you to telepatically find out what it is they want, regardles of all my prying and asking for examples so we could discuss it). Suddenly I was asked for the website login by some other guy for another, I felt that this kind of business was beneath me. I’ve been pissed of and stressed a lot about this.
I want to let it go, but I see the texts written on facebook and on the sparse other sources and it hurts my eyes as a writer. It hurts my eyes to see the way of using the media and the ways of expressing things, because I know better and they for some reason never saw that. Obviously, I’ve been analysing my feelings thoroughly. I feel hurt in my self value and appreciation by a bunch of people who probably don’t even know me. Who don’t see how much I have given up over the last years to work for that beautiful game of hockey.
But it’s ok now, I’m expressing myself here. There’s a lot of details I feel I would like to share about the case. At some point you get frustrated by any detail of the people involved, though bigotry will always anger me to great extents. That only fuels the flames of hate. Anyways, why do I bother… This will go the way it goes, no matter what I think about it. Aparently I’ve been discarded, like my friends, but that’s something I have to accept. I’m beyond the point where I wish to know why, I just need to accept this.
Kemphanenfan Crew
I’m ok in accepting that me and others needed to suffer these blows to give some people what they want. Maybe all the tactical and careful work of the last years needed to make way for a group with no morals and scrupules and who knows it might bring the game to that other level you always hope for. I sincerely hope so, ’cause though my heart for the game has been bled dry, I love the passion I’ve seen in the players and fans. I wish them all that and more. I really hope this club will learn to treat people they way the always shouted people should be treated and never do their business like this again.
Spock said it right: “The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few”.
And I’ll just take this one from Gordie and let it go.
Source: rugusavay.com
Many thanks to all the people who made hockey awesome for me.
I’d flip my finger to the others if I weren’t above that, I’ll try to cherish my good memories and the people that were worth it.
Holding on to anger is giving the people you’re angry with way more attention then they apparently ever had for you.
